Sticks and stones...

Hello all:

It has been awhile since my last post, it's not because I have a lack of material to blab about but more because I have lack of time. Now don't get me wrong, I have plenty of time to get things done, it's the sheer lack of motivation and of course I now have at a minimum 2 needy individuals requesting my attention almost every minute of the day. It is very hard to type when holding a newborn and hard to concentrate with incessant questions and conversation from a 3year old.  And that's only the part of the day when the 5 year old is at school and the 30 year old is at work. So alas I  write now to  you, because I have stolen away a peaceful minute when Ava (the now 7 week old) is content in her swing and Emma (the 3 year old) is hopefully not endangering herself or others.

This post is about being a mom. It's not a how-to it's more of a je ne sais quoi...of a realization about being a mom. When I was growing up, whenever I would throw a temper tantrum (or rather more of a pout fest is how I truly roll,) I would tell my mom that she was the meanest mom in the world. On numerous occassions, I would threaten to run away and even pack a backpack and walk out the back door. It wasn't until last week that I realized how cruel I was being to my mom. I was home with 3 children by myself attempting to get them to go to bed. Their room was a disaster and the living room/toy area was equally chaotic.  I kind of lost it. I was like "I'm throwing away everything"...now mind you, this is truly an idle threat. I say it, and even sometimes get a trash bag but in reality their possessions would not get thrown away. However, I was sick of having to pick up clothes that had for the 3rd time that day been dumped out of the dresser and so I was at my breaking point. Lily (my overly dramatic yet sweet 5 year old) becomes hysterical. "I will have no clothes! You're so mean! I'm never coming back here, I'm going to live somewhere else and you'll never see me again!" Of course, had I mentioned it had been a long day. I say, calmly mind you "Okay Lily, you do that...I will miss you more than you know, but if that's what you want then okay." I then head into my room, pick up some dirty laundry and start to cry.  She comes into the living room and throws herself into a chair sobbing about how she's such a terrible bad girl...which makes me upset because I have never said that ever to my children. In fact, it hurts me to hear her say things like that...and so I try and calm her down and explain that "Mommy is just tired of all the clothes...I don't wear Emma's clothes, or Lily's or Daddy's..." I say to her, so it does not seem fair that I continually need to be picking them up. The toys I tell her also are not mine and it doesn't seem right that I must pick them up. In fact I tell her, when I was young, I could not just leave me toys lying around like this and I never threw my clothes all over.

Okay, I've gotten off topic, however my point is that what she said hurt me deeply. Maybe she didn't mean it, I don't think she'd ever truly want to run away and live somewhere else, but none-the-less her words hurt me. I never saw my mom cry or heard her cry when I said almost those same exact words to her, but I bet I hurt her more than I realized at the time. Actually, if you had asked me back when I had said those words, I would never have thought they could have hurt my mom. They were just words, I didn't mean them...but yet here I was about 24 years later crying because my daughter had used the same words on me.  There's that old saying "stick and stones, etc..." and it ends with "words may never hurt me." That is so NOT true! Words hurt probably more than sticks and stones. Perhaps words don't hurt physically but they definitely hurt emotionally. The physical wounds can heal but those emotional wounds most likely stay forever. They leave scars and if we're not careful those scars can be cut open again and again and again.

In our church bulletin last week there was a little ditty on the back that basically told you to think before you speak. The THINK actually was an acronym about what to think about before you speak...T was true, H helpful, I...(some word that starts with I) insightful maybe, N..nice (perhaps) and K for kind. I found this fascinating since just the previous night or two, I had the aforementioned experience with Lily.  Now, I know that Lily did not mean those things and I will not hold those words against her but it made me realize how many times in my life have I said something to someone without thinking. How many times have I caused emotional scars that someone may have to live with forever? 

I  know that this blog has gotten a bit deep...and I'm not so much a serious person but I know that there have been times in my life that people have hurt me deeply (perhaps unintentionally) and I'm going to strive from here on out to think before I speak. We cannot change our past but we can affect our future. Also Mom, if you're reading this, I'm sorry!

Okay folks, if you're still reading this now, I hope that all is well with you and yours and until next time adieu.